November 15: Do you struggle to put yourself first in love?

A man commented on one of my Facebook ads:

“As a man, her needs come first above your own; as a woman, his needs should come first above your own. You should both be selfless and as one.”

I replied:

The idea that love means constant selflessness is exactly what’s getting people used, abused, and emotionally drained in relationships. Men and women.

I prefer a SELF-ish or SELF-ful relationship, where we put the self first.

It’s about two people who want each other—and want the relationship they’re building.

So when they do things to make each other happy, support each other’s growth, or meet a need—it’s not a sacrifice.

It’s a desire. It’s a joy. It’s chosen.

That’s not looking out for “your own.” That’s building something where both people get to matter—and thrive. Because that’s what they want more than anything.

Thinking back to a new client I met this week, I want to say it again: when you’re trapped in the cycle of putting everyone’s needs before your own, you attract people who expect you to keep doing that. Always.

And yes, sometimes you’ll find someone who will also put your needs before theirs—but what then?

I’ll tell you.

When you’re both stuck in that loop, your needs get buried under layers of “doing for others.”

You might not even know what your needs are.

Neither of you are practiced at asking for what you want before it turns into anger or desperation.

And when you are stuck in that cycle, someone trying to meet your needs feels wrong. It feels off. And most people will do almost anything to get away from that feeling—because it challenges the story they’ve built about love:

“That’s not how this is supposed to work.”

“I haven’t done enough—been enough—to deserve that.”

That’s why getting help matters.

Yes, you can do it yourself.

But will you? Have you?

How long will it take to drag yourself out of that cycle when you’re still living inside of it—versus getting a hand up from someone outside?

If you’re ready to stop calling self-neglect “love,” and start creating a relationship where both of you get to matter, book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. What do you think—does love mean selflessness, or do we finally need to start being a little more SELF-ish?

Have you signed up for my FREE SELF-ish Love Quick Start? https://hello.curiouser.life/selfish-love-quick-start