October 6: "If I'm authentic, people think I'm an asshole."

A few people replied to my writing yesterday with some version of:

"If I'm authentic, people think I'm an asshole."

Well.

Yeah.

As they say, if everywhere you go smells like shit, maybe it's time to check your shoes.

Common denominator, and all that.

It reminds me of something I wrote back in September of 2018, and I wanted to share it with you, because it still holds up.

When it comes to dating, people love to say, "Just be yourself. Just be authentic."

The problem?

A lot of us suck as humans.

We’re raised that way, shaped that way, trauma’d that way.

And, well, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS.

Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

So we not-so-good-at-being-human humans often miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity you're after: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms... whatever).

Add to the confusion that no one is exactly the same human in every situation.

Some people bring more laughter bubbling out of me than others.

Some make me feel girlish and pretty.

Some open the door for my beast.

It gets complex.

I’ll tell you something: my personality is self-designed.

I'm not who I was a decade and a half ago.

In a lot of ways, I'm almost the opposite.

Intentionally.

I can quite confidently say I sucked as people back then, and my life was not full of what I wanted, interpersonally.

So I designed myself to get more of it.

I learned who to be, what to say, and how to think in ways that invite the people around me to engage with me more positively.

Some of that meant trying on behaviors and thoughts inauthentically at first, just to learn how they worked and they fit, until they became part of the new me.

I’m no less authentic as a result.

"They should love me for who I am."

Yes, that's true.

But if who you are is like who I was (or worse), a bit of spit-polishing might be in order for you, too.

Like losing or gaining weight, or cutting and coloring my hair…

I’ve changed.

And I'm still exactly me.

Just a different me—a me I wanted to be.

And that's the key: MY values drove the change.

The new me took the time to understand what about me could inspire others to give more (and far better) FUCKITY FUCK, connecting with people in the ways they need me to, and then I found those qualities in myself and made them a part of my authenticity.

So now I can "just be myself."

If "being yourself" keeps getting you read as the asshole, let's look at your shoes together.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation, bring the question you keep circling, and we'll sort out what's worth keeping and what's worth a little spit-polish.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. I'd love to hear yours: What's one thing about yourself you deliberately changed that ended up feeling more like you than the original?

Hit reply and tell me.