September 10: Benefit of the doubt? Try doubt the benefit instead…
I like to think I'm as open-minded as the next person when someone new walks into my life.
Each person shows up like a blank slate, and they get to write on it.
Show me who they are.
Show me how they fit.
Which, honestly? Sometimes they don't.
Most of the time, they don't.
And that's fine.
In a world of eight-plus billion people,
I'm not trying to make friends with everyone.
Who has time for that?
Not this omnivert.
You've heard of benefit of the doubt, right?
Choosing to believe someone's telling the truth, acting honestly, meaning well, even when you can't prove it.
Overall, I think that's a good thing.
HOWEVER.
And this is where my whole boundaries thing kicks in.
I don't think benefit of the doubt should be your main consideration.
Or even a major one.
Because "they're probably telling the truth" is a bare minimum in most cases.
So is "they're probably acting in good faith."
People can clear that bar completely and still cause you harm.
Or clear it and still bring you nothing.
Here's what I actually look for now:
I say a successful relationship is two people getting far more out of it than they put in.
Both people.
Getting more benefit than they give, with very little effort on either side.
A natural connection.
A chemistry.
A vibe.
So when I meet someone new, I've stopped asking "are they a good person," "do I like them," "are they honest," or even "are they hot AF."
I ask something else entirely:
Do we benefit each other in ways that far exceed the effort it takes to be together?
That question changed my whole world. Not "give them the benefit of the doubt" until proven otherwise.
Doubt the benefit until they show me, consistently, it's worth my time, my effort and my trust.
It's not cynicism.
It's just a better filter.
And here's the part I need to say loudly and clearly:
I hope people are doing the exact same thing to me.
Because the benefit I'm looking for isn't one-sided.
If someone's genuinely better off for having spent time with me, effort included, that's the whole point.
That's what makes it real instead of just convenient.
I'm not trying to sneak past anyone's filter.
I want to be the person who effortlessly connects through it.
If you want to talk through what that filter looks like in your own dating life, or figure out why you keep extending trust to people who haven't earned the benefit, book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me.
We'll dig into exactly where your filter's leaking.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
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Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. If benefit of the doubt is the floor, what's your ceiling? What does someone have to actually do to earn real closeness with you?
Hit reply, I would love to know how you filter.