August 17: The question that's wasting your time (and mine)…

In 2018, I wrote about my New Year's resolution.

I was giving up "why?"

Spoiler: I did not, in fact, give up why.

But I drastically cut back, and a post that landed in one of the relationship groups I follow this morning reminded me exactly why I tried.

A woman wrote in, asking why a man in her life was behaving so weird.

When she showed him a tattoo, he asked if the artist was new and "practicing" on her.

After an intimate moment, he told her she "obviously hasn't shown her potential" to him yet.

He told a story about lying to cover for a coworker, then added, "You never know when I could be lying."

Just a few examples.

There were more.

Then she listed his virtues:

He has his own house.

He's responsible with his job.

He cooks, bakes, irons, always shows up on time.

She said it seems like he's joking, like he has no idea that what he's saying is hurtful, and also no idea how to react when she's actually hurt by it.

Why would a man behave so weird, indeed.

Here's the thing: I mostly gave up why because in this case, and in a lot of others, why is the wrong question entirely.

Because what's happening here is the setup for mental and emotional abuse.

Gaslighting, dressed up as banter.

Does he mean it?

Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe it's something he was taught, modeled, absorbed without ever examining.

But what he means doesn't matter nearly as much as what she's already feeling: the crazy-making.

And her feelings are what shape her experience, not his intentions.

I admit, every once in a while, I still indulge in why.

Like sweets, it's a fun treat.

I call it mental masturbation:

it feels good in the moment but rarely creates lasting benefit.

Most people don't even know their own why.

Trying to excavate someone else's is mostly folly, and a serious time-suck.

Understanding your own why can help you.

I'm not knocking that.

But even then, the why matters far less than what you choose to do next.

And when it comes to someone else?

Their why matters a lot less than how they treat you, especially after you've told them something hurts.

If you're stuck in a why-loop about someone's behavior, and it's costing you more than it's giving you, let's dig into what actually matters instead.

Book your free 15-minute Big Ask consult and let's skip straight past the why:

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever caught yourself deep in someone else's why, when the real question was about your own what now?

Hit reply and tell me the story. I read every one.