Aug 11: Autonomy is NOT the same as distance.

Friday night, my partner and I went out with friends.

A few hours in, he decided to call it an evening and head home.

He had plans for early cycling the next morning.

At first the group thought we were both leaving.

Then, one said, “Oh, so you do things independently.”

Yes, yes, we do.

And I’m super proud of that.

This morning, someone in a polyamory group I'm part of asked a question on the same topic:

"How do you handle autonomy and interdependence? What's been hard about it? What do you love most about it?"

She went on to say she believes in autonomy, but not complete emotional independence.

She doesn't want to control the people she loves or dictate their choices.

She wants them free.

But she also wants mutual care, accountability, and to feel actively chosen, not just tolerated among other options.

Here's what I have to say about that:

Autonomy is key in every one of my relationships, and I recommend it to every client, nonmono or not.

But autonomy isn't the absence of expectations.

It's the absence of assumed ones.

For example: Ask a partner if they want to join you for dinner with friends. Don't assume they must, just because they're your partner.

And because consent is ongoing, remember people are always allowed to change their minds.

Maybe they said yes to that dinner, and now, a few hours out, they've had a hard day and would rather stay home.

(If either of those examples made you a little uncomfortable? You're prioritizing something else over autonomy in your relationships. No judgment. Just a note.)

Here's the part that matters most, though:

Mutual care.

Consideration.

Accountability.

Commitment.

Making space.

Actively choosing.

Investing.

Building.

That's not extra credit.

That's the bare minimum required to build a relationship at all.

People either do these things, or the relationship simply doesn't develop.

That's true across every healthy dynamic I've ever seen, from a decades-long partnership to a single night of play with someone new at an event.

Someone either shows you their character at the level that connection calls for, or they don't.

No need to detach.

Set your standards, let people be exactly who they are, and they'll find their right place in your life.

Or they'll see themselves out.

If you want to go deeper on this, today I'm sharing Boundaries for Nonmonogamy, a talk I originally gave for Kitty Chambliss back in March 2024, free inside Curiouser + Curiouser (the NEW Studio).

It’s a small (for now), friendly, discussion-based community designed for us to actually talk this stuff through together.

Reply to any text or email from me, or text us at +1-855-712-5433 with:

• "I want to learn"

• Your Discord ID (so I can send your invite)

I'm inviting people in order as they reach out, so it might be quick, or it might take a beat.

Depends on demand.

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Where's your line? What's one "expectation" you've been assuming instead of asking for?

Hit reply, I read every single one.