May 6: Feminism, SELF-ish love, and the one question that actually matters in dating

A man said this to me in a comment this morning:

"Feminism does not focus on one side's actions over another. It focuses on both equally and advocates for them each equally."

Close enough. Not totally accurate.

But here's the fun part: he was saying this to me, a woman who spends her days working one-on-one with men, helping them build better relationships and feel more loved and belonging in the world.

Ironic.

A huge part of that work?

Helping men set better boundaries, develop more authentic standards, and get clearer on who they actually are, so they can find the people who genuinely fit them.

Friends.

Partners.

All of it.

The framework I use is something I call SELF-ish love.

And yes, I mean that in the best possible way.

While everyone else is busy romanticizing unconditional love (and yadda, yadda), I'm over here talking about love that centers you first, then your partner as an individual, then your relationship as its own kind of entity.

In early dating especially, that means staying firmly in your own corner.

When you're figuring out whether someone fits your life, it is really, genuinely about you.

How they make you feel.

What they bring.

How they show up.

And the first thing I want you to pay attention to?

Do they look for ways to make you happy, or do they come at you with a list of demands?

It's that simple.

(Simple, not easy. At least, not at first.)

What someone else wants from you only matters to you once you've confirmed they match what you want.

That's not selfishness.

That's self-preservation, and it's the foundation of every healthy connection I've ever seen built.

And before you spiral into thinking this means becoming some emotionally unavailable fortress of solitude, let me be clear: it's not all-or-nothing. It's a series of small steps.

Notice how you feel after a conversation.

Notice whether someone's energy adds to yours or drains it.

Notice whether their presence in your life feels like an invitation or an obligation.

Just notice.

You don't have to have it all figured out before you take the next step.

I grabbed a bite with a client after work yesterday.

As he walked me through his recent dating app activity, I noticed something: he was filtering with exactly this in mind.

He wasn't chasing.

He wasn't contorting himself to make things work with someone who clearly wasn't a fit.

He was asking the right questions, in the right order, with himself at the center.

Honestly? It made me so proud.

That kind of shift doesn't happen overnight, but when it does, everything changes.

The conversations you have, the people you attract, the way you feel about yourself in the process.

If you're curious about what it looks like to put yourself at the center of your own love life (without becoming a jerk about it), let's talk.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me and we'll dig into where you are, what you want, and what's actually getting in the way.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Do you think about your own wants and needs first when you're in early dating, or do you find yourself trying to make things work for someone else before you've even decided if they're right for you?

Hit reply and tell me. No wrong answers.