April 10: “Real love” isn't the point. This is.

CW: Abuse

I asked you a question yesterday:

How do you know if the love someone has for you is real?

You don't.

No, really.

You don't.

You don't because "real love" means something different to every person on the planet. You don't because no one can truly know another person's brain. And honestly? Half the people reading this will always be at least a little suspicious, and the other half would rather not even ask.

I've said this before, and I've been called cynical.

I don't think I am. Hear me out.

I bet you said "I love you" to someone when you were a teenager.

Maybe earlier.

Maybe you exchanged Valentines in third grade and meant every word. And you did mean it. Was that real to you then? I say yes.

Did your parents think it counted? Probably not.

Do you think it was real, looking back now?

Maybe you see where I'm going.

Being loved is not nearly as important as feeling loved. Feeling accepted. Like you belong.

But we often put up with feeling unloved, rejected, and lonely because we can say, "But they love me,” sometimes with "the best they can" tacked on, like that makes the loneliness easier to bear.

Let's stop that.

Right now.

This instant.

A man loved me and absolutely wrecked my life.

Some people would say, "Well, he didn't really love you if he—"

STOP.

NO.

That's not how this works, and believing that is exactly what keeps us trapped in shitty relationship patterns.

He said he loved me.

I sometimes felt that love.

But ultimately, I did not feel loved, accepted, or like I belonged. I didn't feel like I loved myself more when I was with him. In fact, I loved myself a lot less.

For those who don’t know my story, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, and it took a threatened murder-suicide with a shotgun before I finally left for good.

I believe he loved me.

And as Jean Stafford wrote, “She did observe, with some dismay, that far from conquering all, love lazily sidestepped practical problems.”

It does that.

A lot.

So maybe instead of asking "Is this love real?" we ask:

Do I feel loved?

Do I feel accepted?

Do I feel like I belong?

And the big one:

Do I love myself more because this person is in my life?

That is SELF-ish love. And it's what I teach.

If you're asking yourself any of these questions about a relationship you're in (or one you can't stop thinking about) let's talk.

My free Big Ask consultation is 15 minutes, no pressure, and it might be the most useful conversation you have this week.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. This topic hit something for me when I wrote it, and I want to hear if it hit something for you too.

Have you ever stayed in something because you knew they loved you, even when you didn't feel it? Hit reply. I read every one.