April 9: 20 people. 27 definitions. One big problem.
"Real" love.
I hate that phrase. I really, truly, deeply hate it.
Real love. As if there's some official board somewhere stamping love applications.
Approved.
Denied.
Not Quite Real Enough.
What does that even mean?
If I say "I love you" and I mean it with every part of me, and you don't feel it,is it fake?
If I love you and I leave, because staying was destroying me, was that not real love?
Was it counterfeit?
Did it expire?
We've been taught to think about love all wrong, and we've complicated it in a way that is incredibly hard to disentangle from the damage we've done to ourselves in love’s name.
Here's something I do in communication workshops:
I ask the room to tell me what "love" means to them.
In a room of 20 people, I get 27 different answers. People add on. Change their minds. Argue with themselves. Every single person is different.
What does that tell you?
First, it tells you that every person has a different definition of what "real love" is.
Second (and this is obvious when you think about it, but it sneaks around the back if you're not paying attention): when you SAY "love" and they HEAR "love," it's often two different meanings.
If you type "define love" into the Google, you'll get something quite elegant in simplicity: "an intense feeling of deep affection."
And if you type "finish this phrase: 'love is…'" you might get:
"…a kiss on the forehead, when I'm sick"
"…ecstasy wrapped in joy and happiness, tied in understanding and addressed in empathy."
"…mutual, not a one-way street, and should be shared."
"…The Force That Conquers All." (Caps theirs, and left in.)
"…a sweet surrendering. Giving another the keys to hurt you and trusting them not to use them."
And I quite liked this one:
"…just a series of strong chemicals released after forming an emotional attachment or bond that is designed to affect basic functioning of the brain. I believe that the feeling of love is designed in the human body to increase chances of further multiplication of the human species-much like bacteria express phenotypes to increase their chance at survival. Love is simply the human brains phenotype expressed that has been adapted in such a way to increase the odds of bonding with another human being so that a human does not remain alone and therefor unable to multiply and contribute to its species. As much as love has contributed the rise of the human species in its 'food chain' of existence when compared against other living species, I believe the strong need for people to feel love will also lead to it's downfall as a society."
LOL!
Each of those gives me a clue into how that person thinks, and where the biggest challenges are going to be in their relationships.
But what is "real love"?
I do believe Whitney Houston made an excellent point: "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all." But that's not the NOW for everyone, is it?
And not being there yet doesn't tell us much about real love.
To me, real love is whatever you feel when you feel that "intense feeling of deep affection."
The key is that love is that, alone.
It's not attachment.
It's not possession.
It's not jealousy.
It's not hurt.
It's not vulnerability.
It's not kindness.
You get where I'm going here?
The love you feel, or someone else feels, is real for them.
And when we accept that, and accept that love is not all-powerful, not forever, not perfect, I believe we give ourselves a real chance to heal.
In my 20s I read something Jean Stafford said: "She did observe, with some dismay, that far from conquering all, love lazily sidestepped practical problems," and I have never forgotten it.
But here's what I want you to sit with until tomorrow:
How do you know if the love someone has for you is real?
We're going to talk about that.
And if you want to start thinking it through for yourself, with some actual help, grab a free 15-minute Big Ask session with me.
We'll figure out what love actually looks like in your life, and how to grow it.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. I'm curious: when you say "I love you," what do you mean? And do you think the person hearing it knows that?
Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.