December 19: The truth about “transactional” love…
I’d like to share a reply to yesterday’s email:
“Hmm. The bit about covert contract does make logical sense. But then the solution itself piques my interest. Though how does one do that without it falling into the trap of becoming transactional in nature?”
And that’s a great question.
Because that word—transactional—has become the relationship version of the boogeyman.
We hear it and instantly tense up.
“Am I asking for too much?”
“If I say what I need, will I sound selfish?”
“Isn’t love supposed to be unconditional?”
Let’s unpack that.
Because like most things in relationships, the truth lives in the nuance.
A transactional relationship says: “I will love you only if…”
It’s conditional.
And yes—that can be toxic.
Because taken to an extreme, that kind of tit-for-tat scorekeeping kills connection. It turns love into a spreadsheet.
But here’s the plot twist:
Love is conditional. Healthy love (between two autonomous adults) has boundaries.
I learned that the hard way.
There was a time in my life when I stayed too long.
When I told myself that loving someone meant giving without limits—even when I was breaking.
If I hadn’t left, I might not be here today.
So yeah, “unconditional” can become dangerous when it asks you to sacrifice your safety, your self, or your soul.
At the same time, swinging the other way—where any clear ask becomes “uh oh, that’s transactional!”—isn’t healthy either.
Because real love thrives on mutual benefit.
Not tit-for-tat. Not resentment-filled martyrdom. But that beautiful space where you both get so much more out of the relationship than you put in.
Let me give you two quick examples.
In the morning, while I’m brushing my teeth, my sweetie slips by on his way to the shower. He pauses—just for a second—to hug me, squeeze me, pat my butt, and kiss my neck.
Five seconds. That’s it.
But it fills us both up for hours. That’s not a transaction. That’s a rhythm. A ritual. A shared joy we both benefit from.
Here’s another:
He hates grocery shopping. I don’t mind it. I kind of enjoy it, actually. So I do the shopping. We eat better. We save money. And he thanks me—genuinely—which makes me feel appreciated and seen.
The math? We both come out ahead.
That’s the magic of mutual fulfillment.
Now, yes—sometimes a relationship does need a more structured negotiation.
Especially when things are out of balance.
When you’ve got young kids. When work is draining every last spoon. When connection feels routine or missing entirely.
That’s when naming your needs, planning something intentional, or even saying,
"Hey… I need a break. Can we figure something out?” isn’t being transactional.
It’s being real.
It’s being grown.
It’s choosing the relationship on purpose.
So no, love isn’t about keeping score. It’s about co-creating a life together where both of you feel fed—emotionally, physically, spiritually, even logistically.
And when that’s working?
You don’t have to track who did the dishes.
You’re too full to even care.
—
If this stirred something in you, I’d love to help you explore it more.
Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me right here:
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
Bring your messy questions. Your secret worries. Your stuck points. Let’s start turning confusion into clarity.
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. Have you ever stopped yourself from asking for something you need because you were afraid it would seem selfish, or transactional, or “too much”?
Hit reply. I’d genuinely love to hear your take.