January 20: You gave. They took. Now what?

I stumbled across a post this week that put something into words I hear all the time—just maybe not quite this clearly:

“I’m tired of being in a relationship with a ‘man’ who gives bare minimum effort in almost everything.

I planned ALL the vacations, ALL the date nights, and the sitter needed for those nights.

It’s been almost 16 years together and I’m ready to leave him. This man has done nothing but question and blame me for years.”

Oof.

That kind of thing? I hear it all the time.

From women. From men. From clients. From friends.

It’s always some version of:

“I gave so much. And I’m exhausted. And I don’t even know if it mattered.”

This is why I’m borderline obsessed with boundaries.

But even deeper than that, it’s about the silent expectations we build relationships on.

See, most of us operate on something called the Principle of Reciprocity.

You give, I give. You care, I care. You show up, I show up.

Sounds fair, right? Sure—until it isn’t.

Because reciprocity gets murky when:

• You’re giving things the other person didn’t ask for—or doesn’t even value.

• They’re giving back in ways they think should count… but that don’t actually land with you.

• You keep giving without clear norms or boundaries—until the other person either feels entitled, confused, or stops feeling any pull to reciprocate at all.

• Your generosity doesn’t read as generosity… instead to them it feels like a baseline expectation: “Well yeah, of course you did that. That’s just what people do for me.”

Wanna know the most tragic part?

People-pleasers often find the initial “just enough” reciprocation intoxicating.

Like breadcrumbing... but make it super emotional.

And then they double down. Give more. Try harder.

Hopefluff themselves into believing they can fix the relationship if they just carry a little more weight.

Meanwhile, the other person (who may not even be a weapons-grade gnashgab) starts treating your efforts like their birthright.

They’re not necessarily evil.

They’re just responding to the system you helped build—where giving doesn’t require getting back.

That’s why performance-based relationships are so dangerous.

Because they reward silent suffering and punish honest needs, and because no one tells you when your show is over.

I’ll be diving deep into this in my upcoming workshop:

Broke Isn’t the Problem.

It’s not just about money—it’s about value.

Your value and your worth.

And the internal math that tells you what you’re “allowed” to ask for in love.

Get registered to join me Thursday evening at 8pm ET.

https://offers.curiouser.life/broke/register

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Ever felt like you were doing all the work in a relationship—romantic or otherwise?

Hit reply and tell me about it. I’d love to hear how you see this.