October 7: “Stop teaching assholes to be stealthy.”

Two days ago, I got a comment on my writing from a friend. A very intelligent friend.

And of all the responses I could’ve predicted, this one was…not even on the bingo card.

It was in response to the list I’d shared—an actual “dating demands” manifesto from a man who clearly believes women exist solely to cater to his every whim (and maybe do his taxes as well).

The comment included 10 reasons why I could have kept my mouth shut.

It was point 8 that really got me.

“PLEASE stop teaching assholes to be stealthy. They're dangerous enough.”

Ah, yes.

Because clearly the real problem isn’t men writing misogynistic manifestos…it’s me calling it out.

So instead of writing a full reply yesterday, I reached out to 23 other people who teach in the realms of love, sex, kink, or relationships.

I asked them:

“Have you ever been accused of helping assholes (or predators) become better at harming people? And how often?”

17 have replied so far:

• All 6 women? Yep. Accused of exactly this. Multiple times. One said, “weekly.”

• 2 of the 3 nonbinary folks? Yep. Both who present more femme.

• The men? Only one. ONCE in 13 years. Out of eight.

Let that sink in.

Same kind of teaching. Same topics.

But women (and femmes) are getting side-eyed often, sometimes weekly, with this accusation:

“You’re helping bad men get better at hiding.”

Let’s talk about why that’s not just a bad take—it’s a steaming pile of misogynistic codswallop.

1. It blames the woman, not the asshole.

The idea that my work makes assholes "stealthier" implies they were just fumbling around harmlessly until I gave them tips.

As if they weren’t already learning to blend in via...I don’t know...patriarchy, Hollywood, and thousands of years of social conditioning.

This is classic derailment:

Instead of focusing on the actual harm men cause, the focus shifts to me (women) “making it worse” by speaking out.

Spoiler: I’m not the villain here.

2. It’s an accusation, not a critique.

Let’s not pretend this was a helpful suggestion.

This wasn’t, “Hey, have you thought about how your work might be misused?”

This was: “You are responsible for how predators behave.”

That’s not just wrong — it’s a flaming load of bullshit.

It’s like telling a self-defense instructor to stop teaching because muggers might be watching, or the bad guys might get better, too.

3. It willfully misrepresents what I do.

I don’t sand down assholes to make them dateable.

I help people step the fuck up.

Whether they’ve caused harm or been harmed (everyone is a blend of both, BTW), my work is about:

• Self-awareness

• Accountability

• Communication

• Boundaries

• Discernment.

If someone twists that to become sneakier, that’s not because I handed them a secret decoder ring. That’s because they were already an asshole.

And they’re looking for tools to mask it.

4. It silences women under the guise of “safety.”

This line — “Don’t teach that, predators might hear you,” is the whispery cousin of:

• “Don’t dress like that, men might attack.”

• “Don’t talk about sex, you’rejust inviting trouble.”

• “Don’t be visible — it’s dangerous.”

It’s the same old tune:

Shut up, or it’ll be your fault.

5. It entirely misses the actual danger: ignorance.

Predators are already stealthy.

They don’t need me. Predators already know how to blend in.

What does make people safer?

Knowledge.

Discernment.

Clarity.

The ability to spot red flags and leave.

And that’s how I educate.

Now, here’s the kicker:

That point, “stop teaching assholes,” sounds like a warning, but it functions like a muzzle.

It’s designed to shut up those who speak with any sort ofauthority about craptaculous behavior.

And just like the rest of the loud-and-proud crowd, it shifts the burden of harm onto the shoulders of those who dare to SAY something.

Not those who are DOING it.

And when aimed at me (a woman) and other femmes overwhelmingly, that my friends reeks of Grade-A, vintage-aged misogyny.

So here’s my point:

We need more loudmouthed, brilliant, radically loving humans educatingin this space.

Not fewer.

And if that makes the assholes nervous? Good.

They should be.

And don’t forget: Join me tonight for The Compersion Crash Course.

Calling out potentially problematic behavior is part the work (and I’m not gonna stop).

Another part? Learning to celebrate love with joy. Even in those times it’s not about you.

Let’s talk about that part.

https://offers.curiouser.life/compersion-crash-course/register

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever been told you were helping the wrong people by trying to help at all?

Hit reply and tell me. I’d love to hear how you handled it, or if you still feel that sting.