September 20: How to get banned from a sex-positive party in one easy step.
He asked about the ratio.
That’s it.
That was his big, bold, “let me make a great first impression” move.
He registered for my upcoming Ice Cream Social on Sept 28. Our last pool party of the season.
A kink-positive, gender-inclusive, super-friendly, welcoming space for the sexy, curious, and creative.
You know... exactly what it says in the description he clearly didn’t read.
Because instead of paying the one-time $15 first-timer fee, he shot me a message asking:
“What will be the ratio of male to female at this party?”
Oh. Oh sweet summer child.
Where do I even begin?
First of all, this isn’t a frat party.
If you’re hoping I’ll hand you a spreadsheet of who has a vagina and who might be willing to use it on you…
You’ve got the wrong damn party.
Second—and this is the part that really gets me—he thought this was a good question.
He thought this was the smart question to ask.
The reasonable one.
But what it really told me was:
He didn’t read a single sentence of the event description.
If he did read it, he didn’t understand what gender-inclusive means.
He’s not looking to connect, he’s looking to consume.
He’s not trying to contribute to a safe, inclusive, sexy space. He’s trying to make sure he’ll “get some.”
And here’s the part that makes me breathe fire out of my nose.
He’s not even trying to be subtle about it.
Because to ask “what’s the ratio?” is to say:
“I am only here for the women, I don’t care about the vibe, and I expect your party to deliver sex to me on a platter.”
Absolutely not.
So, I told him:
“You’re not a fit for this event. I’m removing your registration.”
And I did.
Because that’s how I protect these spaces.
That’s why single women and non-men feel safe coming, even knowing that single men are allowed.
That’s why people in our community don’t worry about ‘ratios.’ They trust the environment will be full of curious, playful, inclusive, and respectful humans.
Because as WhosThatBear (host of How to Plan an Orgy and co-host of Ethically Bangable) said:
“‘Gender ratio’ has never mattered at any party that I have enjoyed! We are ALWAYS selecting for something…curiosity, playfulness, inclusion, creativity, communication ability are all miles ahead of ‘gender ratio’ in my experience.”
So no, I will not answer that question.
I will not encourage the fantasy that sex is something you can “ratio” your way into.
And I will not apologize for keeping our spaces sacred, sexy, and safe as hell.
You want numbers? Try a dating app.
You want a real experience? Bring your whole self.
Rant over.
Ice Cream Social remains delicious, inclusive, and uncompromisingly awesome.
Oh! And one more thing…
Next Tuesday, Sept 23 at 8pm ET, I’m going LIVE with Regret-Proof Love and it’s going to be full of truth bombs, laughter, and real talk about building the love life you actually want.
https://curiouser.me/regret-proof
Get registered for reminders, to make your your questions about regret get answered, and more!
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. Got thoughts on the ratio? Rage? Relief? Agreement? Disagreement?
Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.