13: What happens when you stop making your feelings their job...

One of the hardest shifts to make in any relationship?

Learning to speak for ourselves—without blaming the other person or making them responsible for how we feel.

This week I was editing Day 3 of the It’s Not Cheating: 5-Day Challenge for The Studio—the episode on jealousy.

And I found a moment I had to share with you.

It’s a small story, but it captures one of the most powerful communication tools in nonmonogamy:

The “I” Statement.

Not the fake kind that still blames, like:

“I feel like you’re ignoring me.”

“I feel like you were being mean.”

That’s still you-ing someone with a side of deflection.

We do this because owning our feelings is vulnerable.

It means admitting we’re hurting.

It means giving up control over how the other person responds.

And it requires trusting ourselves to handle whatever comes next.

I’ve pulled a clip from the longer edit. 

In that clip, I tell a short story about a night I was home, still recovering from surgery, and couldn’t go out.

Everyone else had plans.

And I was starting to feel sorry for myself.

So I told my partner:

“I’m feeling a little bit sorry for myself, just so you know… I’m kinda wanting some company, and I can’t seem to get any. I don’t want you to do anything about it, I just want you to know. Because you’re my partner, and this is important to me.”

That’s it.

I didn’t try to make him fix it.

I didn’t suggest he cancel his plans.

I took responsibility for my own emotional state.

And in doing that, I gave him the freedom to respond with care, rather than guilt.

(Which he did. Sweet texts, a thoughtful check-in.

A friend even ended up coming over.

And apparently he had already made backup plans for me just in case.)

Because when we take ownership of our feelings, we take back our power.

We can ask for what we need, without trying to extract it.

And that’s the kind of communication that builds trust, in ourselves and in our partners.

Want to talk about where this lands for you in your own relationships?

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation:

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

You can watch the clip here: YouTube / Facebook

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

PS: Have you ever caught yourself “you-ing” someone when you were really just hurting?

Hit reply and tell me what you noticed.

(Or what “I statement” you’re working on getting more comfortable saying.)