November 4: Do we have to fight?
Do we have to fight?
No.
Nobody has to squabble, bicker, quarrel, spat, fight, yell, dustup, throw hands, lock horns, or do the romantic rumble.
Period.
But we do.
Why, though?
The reason is stunningly simple:
You are two different individuals.
You grew up differently and lived through different parts of life, so as a couple there are bound to be things you not only disagree on, but feel passionately about.
As you bond into coupledom, you start relying on your partner for certain things.
How they help you.
How they make you feel.
Whatever.
And when you disagree, those things are threatened.
That’s when a disagreement becomes a fight, and it almost always comes down to one (or more) of three things:
1. Power struggles.
One or both of you want things your way and try to assert control or influence.
Sometimes it’s openly aggressive, sometimes subtly manipulative, but it’s always a competition for power, even when one person is “just” resisting.
2. Not feeling validated.
When one of you doesn’t feel heard, the other is very likely feeling frustrated, unloved, and misunderstood too.
Small disagreements become big blowups.
The same argument happens again and again.
One of you keeps repeating your position, louder and sharper each time, while the other is upset that their apology wasn’t accepted and you just won’t let it go.
3. Fear/trauma response.
Past hurts are stored in our brains whether we consciously know it or not.
When something brushes up against an old wound, emotions go to high, reason shuts down, and irrational behavior and miscommunication show up in one fell swoop.
Lest you misunderstand:
EVERYONE has fears and trauma.
Every damn one of us.
People who deny having either won’t learn to handle their emotions better, and they’ll keep suffering (and causing others to suffer) with their reactions.
So here’s the uncomfortable part.
All of us have done all three.
Every one of us has started, escalated, and kept a fight going because of one or a combination of these.
And if you’re single right now?
These patterns don’t stay with your ex.
They pack a bag and come right along with you.
But we don’t have to keep doing it.
Just knowing these three are at the root of every fight you’ve ever had gives you the power to change the pattern.
Is it going to be easy?
Nope.
It’s probably going to be really hard, and we gotta be OK with getting uncomfortable.
You’re still with me here, so I assume you want better in your life and your loves.
Which means I’m also assuming you’re willing to give better.
You can’t have one without the other.
Ready?
Grab your copy of Fight Less, Love More: Simple steps to transform tension into togetherness.
On Amazon (available on Kindle Unlimited): [AMAZON LINK]
Or through the Studio, my Discord discussion community.
Reply with your email and “I want to learn,” and I’ll get you added.
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Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. Which of the three is your go-to? Power struggle, chasing validation, or an old wound flaring up?
Hit reply and tell me which one you recognize in yourself, and what the last fight it started was actually about.
P.P.S. If you already know which pattern keeps running your relationships and you want help breaking it, grab a free 15-minute Big Ask call with me: https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask