October 27: A guy actually said this out loud. Then I remembered Craigslist.

“Why would you be kind to someone you’re not attracted to?

Before you straw man me, I’m not saying you should be mean to people that you find attractive.

Don’t be mean to anybody, right?

Like be a good person, but being nice, being kind, going out of your way: that should be reserved for people that you like looking at.”

That took me straight back to the days of Craigslist personals.

I’d post an ad, and in about two hours I’d get 150 to 180 replies.

All but maybe a handful were completely unsuited, but it was a nice evening’s entertainment.

When I started, I’d reply to the ones that weren’t a fit with a simple “Thank you, but no, thanks.”

Often, I’d get a reply back wishing me the best of luck.

By the end of the CL days, though, I’d stopped replying at all.

Why?

Because when I did, I’d often get rude replies in return, including men telling me I should never respond unless it’s with positive news.

One man schooled me, in fairly harsh language, for getting his hopes up with a reply and then dashing them.

On purpose, he figured, because I’m a woman and women are cruel.

My crime? “No, thank you.”

Here’s the kicker.

He’d read the entire ad.

He knew he wasn’t a match.

He even wrote to say he wasn’t what I was looking for, but I was what he was looking for, so perhaps I’d give him a shot.

…

Yeah.

Well.

I also read recently that “Men mistake kindness for flirting because they wouldn’t be kind to someone they are unattracted to.”

Seems like that’s true of some men.

And we all know it’s true of some women.

So I’d dare to say it’s true of some humans.

However (and this matters) I believe differently for MOST people.

I believe some people have a hard time separating kindness from flirting from someone they are attracted to.

Because they desperately want that person to be attracted to them.

They don’t mistake kindness for flirting from the older woman at the checkout.

Or their beer buddy.

Or their bestie.

Their attraction crosses the wires.

I call it hopeaganda: the propaganda your own hope spins out of someone’s ordinary kindness.

The smile becomes a signal.

The warm text becomes an invitation.

The “no, thank you” becomes proof she was toying with you all along.

And yeah, some, like the guy I quoted, absolutely do think that kindness and going out of your way should be reserved for people you’re attracted to.

But he’s not the common example.

He’s a perfect example that some people are shitty.

Most?

I believe most are just confused.

If you’ve ever replayed a smile, a kind text, or a “so good to see you!” for days, trying to decode whether it meant something, that’s exactly what my Big Ask consultation is for.

Fifteen free minutes, just you and me, sorting out where your hopes might be reading signals that aren’t there, and how to tell kindness from interest without spiraling.

👉 https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

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Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you been on either side of this? The kindness that got read as flirting, or the “flirting” that turned out to be plain old kindness?

P.P.S. Want to chew on this with other curious humans? Reply “I want to learn” and I’ll send you an invite to the Studio.