October 20: How much should you believe in someone?
Yesterday I shared a Neil deGrasse Tyson quote about delighting in being corrected.
Today I’ve got another one for you:
“The level of belief I place in something will always be proportional to the evidence that supports it.”
I’d like to borrow it and tweak it just a little:
The level of belief I place in someone is proportional to the experiences that support it.
I was talking with my partner about an experience I had with someone.
He was asking questions (not in a bad way, just trying to understand my perspective), and I found myself digging a bit deeper into my response.
“There were a bunch of pings, yannow? Like small things that made me go ‘hmmm.’ And when this other thing happened, all of those things became a picture.”
He understood.
You probably do, too.
You can look back and say, “Oh, I should have seen it coming!”
And maybe that’s true.
But maybe not.
I DID see it coming.
At least in the sense that I was aware of every single ping on my spidey senses, and chose to recognize it, honor it, and wait and see.
Most people are socialized to not even notice the blip.
Or to notice it, explain it, and forget it.
That’s where we get into trouble, because how we explain things to ourselves is uniquely ours.
We usually explain someone else’s behavior through one of two things:
What we imagine we would do in their situation (as we understand it).
How we hope they are.
What’s true about both?
They’re centered on US.
And that other person... is not.
(Nor should they be.)
So something happens.
It makes us pause.
We toss off a half-hearted explanation and go on with our day, not making waves or worrying overmuch.
And we don’t think about it again until the BIG DREADFUL THING happens and we’re drowning in coulda-woulda-shoulda.
I call that flagnesia: the inability to remember that someone’s “quirks” might actually be future therapy topics.
I suggest something else:
Use the pause.
Thank your brain for noticing.
Make a note (in your head or in a note-taking app), and set the intention to watch for patterns.
The pattern may never show.
It may, though.
And when it does, you don’t need the BIG DREADFUL THING to know.
But this isn’t just about protecting yourself.
Your experiences can build belief, too.
The person who shows up when it’s inconvenient.
The one who remembers the thing you mentioned once, three weeks ago.
Those pings deserve a note just as much, because they’re how you know someone is really doing what it takes to be there for you.
This really does work.
If you’re honest with yourself about both the positive and the not-so-positive.
If you’re clear about your boundaries and standards.
And if you’re open to all of the experiences, not just the experiences that support your theories.
If you’re looking back at a pattern you explained away (or squinting at one you’re explaining away right now), let’s look at it together.
Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me.
Bring your pings. We’ll see what picture they make.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. What was the first ping you noticed, the one that turned out to be part of a much bigger picture? Or the green-flag ping that told you someone was worth believing in?
Hit reply and tell me. I’d love to know.