October 13: TFW your feelings get BIGGER when you have to defend them…
Let’s say you have big feelings about something.
So you tell someone.
Maybe a partner, but it could be a friend, a parent, anyone really.
What happens?
Well, most of the time, you will be invalidated.
Not because of you.
Or because of your feelings.
Because this is how people most often respond to anything negative.
They perceive it as a threat, and they immediately try to reverse it, deny it, pick it apart, or diminish it.
To reduce their discomfort.
This one shows up a lot for my neurospicy folks.
I’ve already talked about how to reduce this intentionally in your relationships, but today I want to talk about what happens inside of you when you’re invalidated.
A client said to me:
“Not only am I feeling my feelings, but when I have to defend them, justify them or rationalize them…”
THIS.
You can’t just feel it, let it move through you, get the intended message, then let it dissipate.
You actually have to prolong those feelings in order to explain them.
You have to feel them more deeply to justify them.
You have to tell yourself how much you have these feelings just to rationalize them.
Sit a minute with that and let it land.
How does that feel?
Maybe it doesn’t resonate with you at all.
That’s cool.
Not everyone is the same.
If it does slap, though… if you know exactly what I’m saying…
Then you might feel as stunned as I was the first time I realized that all of my big fights were because I didn’t feel understood.
Because I had to make my feelings BIG just to be heard.
Or to have the energy to explain one more time.
Or to feel them enough to feel justified in the argument we were in.
And you might also know what it feels like when someone validates and witnesses your feelings, instead of denying them, dismissing them, or telling you you’re wrong.
Like… relief.
Mind relief.
Body relief.
Soul relief.
I’m offering this to you because you may not have seen it this clearly before.
And once you do, if you experience this, you know.
If you don’t experience this, maybe your partner does.
Or your best friend.
Or your child.
And maybe it’s time to consider for yourself how you really want to show up when someone brings you their feelings.
If this landed for you (from either side of the conversation), let’s talk about it.
Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me, and we’ll look at what happens for you when your feelings get invalidated, and how you want to show up when someone brings you theirs.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
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Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. I’m curious: when you have to defend a feeling, does it get bigger, or do you shut down?
Hit reply and tell me what happens for you. No wrong answers.