October 8: "If 99% come back with crickets..."
Yesterday I wrote about why "hi" goes nowhere as a first message. (The Hi and Dry, if you missed it.)
Within hours, a man sent me a private message with the subject line "counter points to 'hi.'"
Here it is, exactly as he wrote it:
"As a man who has sent out many messages only to recieve crickets 99% of the time no matter the content of the message, I can tell you that it can get disheartening easily. I have experimented and tried sending out various types of messages, from the simple, "hey, your hot, lets chat", to short story fantasy pushing, but i have not found any kind of successful pattern based on the amount of effort I put into the message. (Side note, the fantasy pushing has had the most success with positive responses /shug?". While I still generally put in effort in my messages, I can see how others will quickly do the math and devolve into a mass mailing strategy, because if 99% come back with crickets, then you need to send 100, just to get a response. The easiest way to send that many messages is to keep them simple."
So HE still puts in effort.
But he TOTALLY gets why other guys go the full mass mailer route.
Enough to write to me about it and defend it.
That's initifatigue talking.
The distinct blend of exhaustion and resentment that accompanies every first message you send on a dating app.
It's real. 100%
I don't doubt it for a second.
But in all 151 words (155 with the subject line), he misses every single point.
If you're missing them too, here they are.
1. None of those messages are about her. Not one of the formats he listed would get a response from me, because not one of them is about ME. Most women notice fast when a man isn't actually interested in them. And most don't bother replying.
2. "Many messages" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Plenty of men message the way they scroll social media. For the dopamine hit and the gold star of “I tried,” not because they're interested in the person on the other end. See point 1.
3. Interest with conditions isn't interest. If you only show a woman you're interested in her as a person when you feel assured of a reward, you are not interested in her as a person. See point 1. Again.
4. Avoiding rejection by not trying only hurts your own chances. Crickets you got with “hi” are still crickets.
Here's the thing:
I've heard some version of this argument hundreds of times.
Possibly thousands.
I’ve written back to it in dozens of comments.
I’ve talked clients through it.
And every time, it tells me the person making it is being a nice guy.
NOTE: I am not condemning them as not-good on just one thinky-thought. I AM saying that this is nice-guy behavior, and it’s not synonymous with being genuine, interested, or interesting.
A good person shows up with curiosity and care because that's who he is.
A nice guy shows up with effort as long as it pays.
It's "if I play by the rules, you'll reward me" energy.
And when the reward doesn't come, resentment does.
Many women can feel that math in a first message.
That's the crickets.
ANOTHER NOTE: It’s not just men. But I’m responding to a man, and it’s been about 80% men who have said things like this in my comments, or who send “hi” or copy-pasta mass messages.
If you read his message and found yourself nodding along, you're not doomed.
But you do have some honest looking to do.
Bring me your crickets.
Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation and we'll look at the messages that went nowhere, what they actually say about her, and what your initifatigue is really trying to tell you.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. Be honest. Have you ever done the math he's describing? Sent the hundredth "hey" because the first ninety-nine got nothing?
Hit reply and tell me what happened. Or tell me where you think I'm wrong. I read every one.