October 2: The fight can wait. (Really.)
Someone wrote to me after yesterday's writing and said they have a hard time not rushing resolution when there's conflict in their relationships.
I GET IT.
Growing up, I absorbed the idea that you should never go to bed angry.
That the best time to solve something was now.
That if I don't say it now, I'll forget it, and EVERYTHING will be ruined and it will be fault.
That last bit... still gets me sometimes.
Because I'm AuDHD, and I can forget what I'm doing from one minute to the next, especially when I'm hyper-focused.
(Yesterday, my hyper-focus ignored FOUR alarms and I almost missed having an amazing Big Ask conversation.)
Because giving my brain time to pull together the disparate thoughts I have has been labeled procrastination, and we all know that is BAD.
And because my distractedness and procrastination have been remarked upon, shamed, and I've suffered so many consequences in my past.
So it's REALLY hard to think that intentionally not solving something RIGHT NOW is not only OK, but sometimes is the very best option.
For everyone.
And there's another reason it can be hard to shelve a topic.
When you've been shown over and over that your feelings don't matter, it can physically hurt to keep them inside again.
I get it.
I really, really do.
This is why yesterday I said, "You won't nail it the first time, or the tenth," and today I'm saying that no matter how good you get, you won't nail it every time.
But it's worth the attempt.
Because when you learn to take your time with processing feelings, to give time and space to disagreements, and to allow others the opportunity to have their say, too...
Your nervous system gets the chance to learn that not everything is the end of the world.
And you can remember to breathe.
If you feel the clock start ticking the second conflict shows up, that urgency has a story behind it, and it's worth looking at.
In a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation, we'll talk about what your version of "fix it NOW" is trying to protect, and what it might feel like to set it down for a minute.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
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Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. When conflict shows up, what's your instinct? Fix it now, go quiet, run for the hills, or something else entirely?
I read every reply.