October 1: "Oh yeah? Well YOU..."

This week, a playfriend I haven't talked to in a while reached out and asked if we were good.

We are, and I said so.

And since he asked, I told him:

I'd been feeling like he was busy and kind of distant.

A small, honest answer to a question he asked.

What came back wasn't "Oh, how do we close that gap?"

It was a flood of audio messages.

About what I had done. How he felt.

Why I was being cruel.

Hello, counterplaint. (My word for the complaint someone fires back the second you voice yours.)

It sent me straight back to one of my favorite rules from my book, Fight Less, Love More:

ONE issue or problem at a time. This is mission critical. If one person has a complaint, that is what you focus on. No, "Well, what about when you…?" That can be handled later. Take care of the person who is in their feelings now. Leave the kitchen sink in the kitchen.

In other words, whoever speaks up first becomes the priority.

Not the other person's reaction.

Not the thing they've been quietly stewing on for three weeks that suddenly feels perfectly timed.

The first problem on the table gets handled first.

Why?

Because it's fair.

If someone feels something enough to say it out loud, they deserve to have it solved before the conversation detours into someone else's drama.

Because it stops us from "defending" ourselves with "Oh yeah? Well YOU..."

Because it nudges us to speak up sooner instead of stockpiling grievances.

And mostly, because it makes the person you care about feel cared for and validated, even mid-conflict.

(If you don't care about them, fighting fair is the least of your worries.)

That shift makes the whole conversation easier.

It becomes both of you against the issue, instead of each of you against each other.

A client said that to me yesterday, and it reminded me how much I love that framing.

Is this a magic button?

H! Nope.

You won't nail it the first time, or the tenth.

Some topics just hit harder, stress wears down your resolve, old patterns sneak back in, and... and...

But when you decide this is a value, you get better at it. And you'll turn some (most?) of your fights into conflict, and your conflict into conversations.

Single right now?

Same rule.

Friends, family, roommates, playfriends, and whoever you date next.

There's a lot more where this came from in Fight Less, Love More: Simple steps to transform tension into togetherness.

It's on Amazon, direct from me, on Kindle Unlimited, and it's also posted free in The Curiouser + Curiouser Studio community on Discord.

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Which is harder for you: letting the other person go first, or not firing back a counterplaint?

Hit reply and tell me. Bonus points for a story.

P.P.S. If you want people to practice this stuff with, that's what The Studio is for. Books, workshops, and a community that actually likes talking about the messy parts.

Just reply with “I want to learn.”