September 22: YES! Please vet me.

Last week I told you to vet the people you date and kink with.

When I did, someone hopped into my inbox to accuse me of being disingenuous about it.

Their theory:

I remove people from my communities because I don't want the truth about me getting out.

Let's talk about that.

Because where one person says it, ten more are thinking it.

First, for the record:

Yes. I absolutely want you to vet me. 100%.

Ask around.

Get multiple opinions.

Let them guide you, the same way I told you to use other people's stories to guide your own decisions.

And if that guidance means someone hears a bad story and never comes near me, that's fine too.

I believe in consent for interactions the same way I believe in it for kink or sexy times.

Nobody owes me the benefit of the doubt.

But here's what actually happens when I remove someone, and it has nothing to do with protecting my reputation.

I don't care if you don't like me.

I've said that to someone this spring right before I opened a new server they were welcome to join anyway.

Dislike me all you want.

But use that dislike as cover to be shitty to other people in the room, or to disrupt what the space is actually for, and you're out.

No exceptions.

Someone who'd been in my communities since the pandemic learned that recently.

Liking me has never bought anyone immunity, and neither has disliking me.

So when you hear a story about me, look for the story behind the story.

Follow the old grudge, the perceived slight, the entitlement that didn't get met, the way detectives follow the money.

Extend me the same courtesy you'd want.

And remember when you ask me about someone that I'm human.

I hold grudges too.

This is also why I tell brand-new people in my communities I won't play with them for at least a year.

Not because I'm precious about it, but because a year in, they've had time to vet properly: to learn about power imbalance, to build a community that'll tell them if something feels off, to actually know whether I'm safe.

I don't want to be someone's only option.

Or the collect-a-partner-during-frenzy play.

I want to be someone's best fit, chosen on purpose, with eyes open.

If that's the kind of relationship (to me, to dating, to kinking, to yourself) you're ready to build with intention, let's talk about what "vetted and chosen" actually looks like for you.

Book your free 15-minute Big Ask consultation.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever avoided someone based on what one person told you, without ever meeting them yourself? Do you regret it?

Reply and tell me: what's the story, the one that made you say no?