September 11: Are you communicating or are you just saying words at someone?

Two days ago I told you to doubt the benefit instead of just giving it.

Today I'm climbing back on the soap box for round two, and this time I'm coming for communication:

Communication is not the solution to all of our problems.

It's a tool.

A powerful one.

Still just a tool.

And here's the part that took me way too long to get:

Communication will not save your relationship. WHAT you communicate might.

I’ve made that mistake plenty.

I watch other people make it constantly, without meaning to and wearing the best intentions.

When I originally wrote about this back in 2022, it was inspired by a joke about the three classic fixes to any mechanical problem:

More lube, bigger hammer, more duct tape.

I offered the kink corollary.

More lube (always). COMMUNICATE! More rope.

Yes, it’s a joke, and it’s also exactly how we talk ourselves into thinking communication fixes things.

Like the tool itself is the magic, and not what's actually moving through it.

Here's what I actually believe:

A lack of communication is almost always a contributing factor when relationships end, and much more rarely the actual cause.

I said so way back then, and someone pushed back on that.

They said not communicating their concerns killed any chance of relationship survival.

Chance.

That's the word that matters.

Ask yourself:

Given who you both were and what you were dealing with, what were the odds, really?

Communication only works in your favor when both people actually want to build something together, and when what's underneath the talking is worth hearing.

Which brings us to the what.

Priorities.

Openness.

Respect.

Compassion.

Autonomy.

Those are the actual content of good communication, not the delivery method.

Miss them, and you can talk beautifully, articulately, endlessly, and still be building nothing.

You might get something that looks like a resolution for a minute.

You won't get a relationship that survives, let alone thrives.

Because underneath all that talking, the what isn't there.

I said something close to this back in 2019:

Without genuine appreciation for each other, you run into communication killers, the things that turn conversation into argument and collaboration into a fight you didn't know you signed up for.

Same words.

Different what.

The question to ask yourself is:

Are you even communicating? Or are you just saying words at someone, and calling the words the win?

Is it really the communication that's failing you, or the content?

Has clear, kind, well-delivered communication ever still done harm, because the what was missing?

If those questions are hitting close to home, book a free 15-minute Big Ask and let's look at what's actually moving through your conversations, not just how they sound.

👉 Book your Big Ask: https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. What's the worst advice you've gotten that was really just "communicate more!" dressed up like wisdom, when the real problem was what nobody was willing to say?

Hit reply. I read every single one!