September 9: "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset"

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset."

I heard some version of that sentence more times than I can count when I was young and married.

About small things I genuinely wasn't upset about.

About big things I absolutely was.

And here's the thing: every single time, I was upset.

Not necessarily about whatever he thought would set me off.

I was upset because he didn't tell me.

For a long time, I couldn't figure out what I hated so much about that excuse.

After all, I sometimes dreaded telling him things too.

Eventually I avoided it altogether, same as he did.

I was just better at it.

He barely caught any of mine.

Or maybe "better" isn't right.

I've always been a pretty terrible liar.

More likely, he just didn't care enough to notice.

Looking back, I think it started small.

A test he never consciously ran, but one that worked, and kept working, until that sentence became his go-to.

These days, when I hear it, I hear something completely different than I used to.

I used to hear:

"I care so much about you and what you think of me that I'd avoid anything that might hurt that."

Relatable.

Now I hear:

"I knew this would upset you, and I did it anyway, because you weren't the priority."

"I have no intention of telling you next time either. It doesn't get me anything."

"I'd rather perform a version of myself than risk you rejecting the real one."

I hear lying.

I hear weakness dressed up as consideration.

And mostly, I hear someone who was never going to be a fit for the kind of connection I actually want.

The people who are right for you don't need to manage your reactions.

They tell you the truth and trust you to handle it, because they trust themselves to handle whatever comes next, too.

If "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset" sounds familiar, whether you've heard it or caught yourself saying it, let's talk about what that pattern is actually telling you, and what's possible on the other side of it.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation:

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you heard this one before? Or maybe you've said it yourself?

Hit reply and tell me what "upset" was really code for in your relationship.