August 18: Stop asking "why." Ask this instead.

I have done some deeply dumb shit in my life.

I've hurt people.

I've been oblivious.

Hell, I've even done it on purpose more than once.

(That's a habit I gave up, thankfully. But sometimes I'm still tempted.)

And of course, I've been on the receiving en,d too.

When someone who claims to love you in one breath turns around and hurts you in a way only they could, it's so tempting to ask why.

To ask them.

To ask yourself.

I learned a long time ago that asking someone else "why" puts them on the defensive.

It sounds like blame, even when it isn't meant that way.

It triggers judgment, forces them to justify themselves, and turns a conversation that could've been useful into an argument instead.

I talk about this in Fight Less, Love More, which is now free inside Curiouser + Curiouser, my new learning and discussion community.

(I'll post it today.)

And asking myself why, about them?

We covered that yesterday.

So instead, I lean into my boundaries.

"I will not spend time with people who make me feel 'less than.'"

That's one of mine.

I've asked myself questions like:

“Would my person do that?”
"Would my person make me feel this way?”

And then, I answered.

Which told me all that I needed to know.

But remember how I said I've done some deeply dumb shit?

A lot of it happened inside relationships.

Some of it happened in the one I'm in right now.

And despite that, we’ve made it thirteen years as of yesterday.

So what was the difference?

Well, I did the dumb thing.

Then, once it was communicated to me, I did my best to not just fix it, but to do better.

Because my partner's person wouldn't do that shit knowing it was harmful.

And my partner's person would never want to make him feel that way.

To me, those two questions are worth infinitely more than "why."

If you want a space to actually dig into stuff like this, with people who'll think alongside you instead of just nodding along, I'd love for you to join Curiouser + Curiouser, the free community I'm building right now.

Reply to this email, reply to any text you've gotten from me, or text +1-855-712-5433 with:

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Depends on demand in these early days, and how many people are ready to commit to something new.

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. What's something dumb you've done in a relationship, the kind of thing that could've been a dealbreaker, and how did you fix it (or try to)?

Hit reply, I'd love to hear the story.