August 4: Stop treating communication like duct tape!

Communication is a TOOL. Not a solution.

It's a common mistake, and I've made it plenty of times myself.

Treating communication like it's the thing that fixes a relationship, instead of the thing that helps you reach a fix.

In 2022, I wrote about it.

In the local kinky Discord I run for folks in the RDU/Triangle area, we were talking about the three classic solutions to any problem:

More lube. Bigger hammer. More duct tape.

And I offered the kink corollary:

More lube (always). COMMUNICATE! More rope.

It's a joke.

But it's also exactly how most people think about communication.

Like it's the fix.

That same morning, I'd said something in our daily discussion channel:

“A lack of communication is almost always a contributing factor in relationship endings, and much more rarely the primary culprit.”

Someone replied:

"I can say that not communicating our concerns and differences did not make the situation better. The concerns and differences were the problem, but not communicating killed any chances of the relationship surviving."

Yes.

Chances.

That's the whole thing right there.

Communication only works positively if people actually want to work together.

And too often, when someone brings a problem to the group, the answer is a reflexive "COMMUNICATE!" as if that alone will solve it.

It won't.

Not if a few key ingredients are missing:

Priorities.

Openness.

Respect.

Compassion.

Autonomy.

You can communicate all day long, but without those, you'll either stay stuck or create more problems.

Not because you're bad at talking.

Because you're not compatible in the ways that matter.

Ask yourself something:

Are you actually communicating? Or are you just saying words at someone?

Because I'm pretty sure we've all been talked at.

If you want to figure out which one is happening in your relationship, and what's actually missing underneath it, that's exactly the kind of thing a Big Ask session is for.

Fifteen minutes, no pressure, just a real conversation.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever caught yourself (or a partner) treating "just communicate more" like it would magically fix something that was never really about the talking?

Hit reply and tell me what happened. I read every one.