Jul 22: The red flag that isn't (always).

Someone posted a question online recently that I want to share with you.

She said she's noticed a pattern: men who list physical touch as their love language, but don't mean hugging or hand-holding or curling up on the couch.

They mean sex.

Just sex.

And she asked, kind of sadly, if the rest of us have noticed it too.

Yes.

Here's what I want to say before anything else, though:

The guy who created the Love Languages framework is, by most accounts, a bigot who once told a woman with an abusive husband to have more sex with him because that was his love language.

He's also not a licensed therapist.

Neither am I, for the record.

A lot of people use those two facts about him to write the whole framework off as garbage.

I don't.

I think it's a genuinely useful tool.

It just isn't gospel.

And plenty of dating and relationship coaches, mostly non-men, will tell you that any mention of Physical Touch as a love language is an automatic red flag.

Swipe left.

Block.

Move on.

I get where that comes from.

I just don't think it's the whole picture.

Here's what I rarely see anyone say instead: love languages aren't fixed.

They shift based on what we're missing.

If a man is starving for touch, of course that's where his attention goes.

For a lot of men, that starvation started around puberty, when the casual, affectionate, non-sexual touch they got as kids just… stopped.

No hugs from friends.

No hand on the shoulder.

Nothing outside of a sexual relationship, if they're lucky enough to have one.

So touch and sex get wired together.

Not because they're shallow.

Because nobody showed them any other version

.

To be clear: this isn't a free pass.

Using "it's my love language" as a guilt trip or a lever is still a guilt trip and a lever, no matter how you dress it up.

I'm not writing this to excuse that.

I'm writing it because understanding why is different from excusing what.

Even genuinely good men, ones who've done real work, can find themselves stuck in this exact trap.

And it's not only men, by the way.

I've been the person chasing sex because I mistook it for love.

I just didn't have a framework for it at the time.

Of course, none of this is yours to fix for someone else.

That's what coaches and therapists are for.

If you've ever felt confused about your own relationship to touch, or wondered why it hits different than you'd expect, that's worth exploring.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask with me and let's talk it through.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever caught yourself confusing touch with sex, or love with being wanted?

Hit reply. I read every single one.