July 21: "I don't need friends" (he really said this)…

Yesterday, not long after my email went out, I got a reply that both shocked me and didn't surprise me one bit.

A man told me he doesn't need friendships.

Doesn't really want them.

When he was married, his wife handled all the social stuff, and he just showed up where he was told.

That this happens?

Not surprising.

It's incredibly common.

What shocked me was that he said it to me, without a hint of irony.

You see, I know this man.

I did a consultation with him.

And I told him I couldn't help him.

Why?

Because when he walked me through his history, two things stood out immediately:

One. He took zero responsibility for his failed marriage.

Two. And he had no idea how much labor he'd outsourced to his wife.

Not just the “romantic” stuff (yes, quotes intentional).

She ran all of their social engagements.

Including planning his guy trips with other husbands.

He even complained, with a straight face, about "losing them in the divorce."

There's a name for this: mankeeping.

Coined by Stanford researchers, it's the unpaid emotional and social labor some women perform managing the lives of the men they love—organizing the calendar, planning the dates, becoming the sole confidante, compensating for a shrinking male social circle.

Is it only men?

Nope.

I'm AuDHD.

Early in my marriage, my husband was the social one, making plans and keeping friendships alive while I clocked long hours building a business.

It took me years to realize I wanted real friendships of my own, not borrowed ones.

So this isn't strictly a gender thing.

But it happens to men so often that researchers gave it a name.

Here's the real question, whatever your gender:

If your non-romantic social life only exists because your partner built it, you are exactly the person who needs to learn to build friendships on your own.

Not because your partner is doing it wrong.

Because you deserve a life that doesn't collapse the moment the relationship does.

If this is landing anywhere close to home, let's talk about what that could look like for you.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation, and we'll dig into where you're outsourcing connection you could be building yourself.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Have you ever noticed how much of your social life runs through someone else (or has in the past)?

Hit reply and tell me who's been carrying that load. No judgment, just curious.