July 20: The part many of us miss about friendship.
Yesterday, a play partner said something that I recognized deep down inside.
"I'd like more friends. Not just for sex, but friendships. Connection."
I empathized and agreed, because I've lived inside it.
I was never the birthday-party-with-thirty-kids kid.
A handful of friends at a time, tops.
I knew everyone's name and face (still do, it's a party trick), but knowing people and being known by them are two very different skills.
Mine stayed surface level for a long, long time.
Fun.
Activity-based.
Easy.
The minute a friendship asked for something deeper, I was lost.
I didn't understand the give and take of feelings.
I'd read about vulnerability in books like it was a foreign language I was studying for a trip I'd never actually take.
As an adult, one or two friends seemed to be the ceiling on my capacity for "acting human," and honestly?
I was fine with that for a long time.
Until I left my abusive marriage and realized something brutal: I didn't have friends I could count on.
I had friends who'd counted on me, because I was always the one showing up.
That's when it clicked, maybe for the first time, that friendship and partnership are two different kinds of intimacy.
And I wanted both.
It took me five years of intentional effort to feel like I'd built real friendships.
It took ten to feel like I was actually good at it.
Now, nearly twenty years in, I can tell you every clumsy attempt, every awkward overture, every mortifying misstep was worth it.
Because now I have friends with zero ulterior motives.
Friends for silly TV watch parties and friends for the 2am existential spiral.
Friends who show up just to gather and smile, and friends I can go deep with.
And yes, friends I'm inviting to a big birthday party at the end of August.
Here's the thing I tell almost every new client: friendship is where we start.
Not dating profiles, not sex, not communication scripts.
Friendship. It's the foundation everything else gets built on, and most people have never actually looked at whether theirs is solid or just... surface.
So, quick gut check: if today were hard, who would show up for you?
And who would you let show up?
If the honest answer makes you squirm a little, that's worth twenty minutes of your time.
Book a free Big Ask consultation with me, and let's look at what's actually holding up your foundation.
Book it here: https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. If you want the neuroscience behind why this stuff matters so much, check out "Why Brains Need Friends: The Neuroscience of Social Connection" by Ben Rein.
Turns out your brain isn't wired to skip this step, no matter how "fine" you mightfeel on your own.