July 16: Do you Ask, or do you Guess?

Nine years ago, I wrote something that is back on my mind.

Let's say you and I are friends on social media and you live somewhere I'm about to visit.

I message you:

"Hey! I'll be in your area in early August. Want to get some fun locals together for dinner? If not, no worries, I just love meeting people when I'm in a new town."

Would that feel rude to you?

Here's another one:

We've been talking about a party you're going to later this month.

I ask who's going to be there.

I say "that sounds fun."

I mention I don't have plans that night.

I'm beating around the bush, hoping you'll invite me, and you know it.

Would that feel rude?

This is Ask Culture versus Guess Culture, and once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Ask people just...ask.

For anything.

And they accept whatever answer comes back.

Guess people generally only ask when they're already pretty sure the answer is yes, because having to say "no" out loud feels like its own small trauma.

I am Team Ask, through and through.

When someone says “Can I ask you something," I say “You may ask me anything. I may choose not to answer."

I'd rather someone ask me directly than make me decode their body language like it's a crossword puzzle.

And I know I annoy Guess people.

I don't mean to.

Being direct with someone who isn't wired that way can feel jarring, even aggressive, even though a "no" costs me nothing.

It took me a long time to understand that a "no" costs them something.

For some people, it's genuinely painful.

So can you be both?

Yes. Ish.

I once read that the less intimate the relationship, the more "Ask" you should default to, since you can't know someone's style up front.

I agree with this.

But flip that logic around and it gets uncomfortable fast:

it's fine to be who you are, as long as you hide it around people who might not like it.

Ewww.

That's not a great rule for anything.

Here's what's actually worked for me: be aware, and know thyself.

Understand there's a spectrum, and that people can shift on it depending on what's at stake.

And in your own life, figure out what you need.

I know that if someone can't ask me out, or ask for what they want, the relationship won't work long-term.

So I look for that early, and when I don't find it, I bow out before either of us gets hurt.

I still don't understand Guess people.

I probably never will.

But I've learned to love the ones in my life anyway, and meet them where they are.

Do you ask, or do you guess?

Is it different for you at work than in dating?

With friends versus strangers?

If you want help figuring out which one you are, and how it's shaping your dating life and relationships, book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me.

(See what I did there? LOL!)

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Ever had a relationship go sideways because one of you was asking and the other was guessing?

Hit reply and tell me what happened. I want to hear it.