June 22: The men I trust most all have this in common.
Someone in my reels feed this morning asked:
"Why do men have this fear of being used for a dinner date?"
He went on to say that women aren't going to get all dolled up, put on expensive perfume, maybe even get a sitter, just to score a plate of pasta.
And look, he's not wrong that it's unlikely.
But yeah, some are gonna do exactly that.
Just like some men, at the end of any date (Ruth's Chris or Arby's, doesn't matter), are going to apply pressure for sex.
Both things are true.
People can be transactional.
That's kind of the point.
But here's what I was actually thinking about this morning, and it connects more than you might expect.
The men I know and love best?
They have friends.
Real ones.
Friends of all genders.
They know how to be a friend.
They can be vulnerable without it being a manipulation tactic.
They enjoy friendships as they are, not just as a waiting room for sex.
And because of that, they tend to be genuinely good at relationships.
I've said this for years: anyone serious about dating should have strong friendships first.
Not because it's some prerequisite to deserve love, but because friendship is literally the training ground.
It's where you learn to show up, to give without keeping score, to communicate, to repair.
When you aren't good at being a friend, you're going to struggle to be a good partner.
Full stop.
It's also why I always recommend that men have at least one photo in their dating profile showing them having a genuinely good time with a group of people.
Not posed.
Real.
Because it signals something that a lot of people are looking for and can't quite name: emotional availability that isn't entirely dependent on whether or not they want to sleep with you.
And going back to the "used for dinner" fear?
People who have real friendships already understand the give-and-take of relationships that aren't purely transactional.
They pick up the tab sometimes, split it sometimes, and don't keep a ledger.
Because that's just... what connection looks like when you're not operating from scarcity.
If you're dating, or trying to date, and your social life outside of dating is thin or nonexistent, that's the first thing I'd want to work on with you.
It's not a flaw. It's just the place to start.
That's exactly what a Big Ask consultation is for.
Fifteen minutes. Free.
Let's figure out where you actually are and what you actually need.
--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. What's your friendship situation like right now? Seriously, I'm curious. Do you have people you can be real with, outside of dating?
Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.
P.P.S. I'm doing Strides for Pride this month and I'd love your support. Every step counts: