June 12: The dating villain you invented might just be a regular human.

I’ve been writing this week about a rant I found online.

A man, very upset, declaring that "modern dating made a lot of women terrible communicators."

Among his evidence: breadcrumbing.

Women, he said, are completely comfortable leaving a trail of just-enough attention to keep men hooked.

Google, helpfully, defines breadcrumbing as "a manipulation tactic where someone gives you just enough attention or affection to keep you hooked, without ever fully committing."

Let's talk about that word.

Manipulation.

Because here's the thing: the word implies intent.

It implies Sarah, the barista you've been texting for three weeks, sat down with a cup of coffee and a whiteboard and strategized her inconsistent reply schedule for maximum emotional damage to you specifically.

I'm going to go ahead and say: probably not.

What's far more likely?

She's busy.

She's also not totally sure how she feels about you.

So the messages she sends are inconsistent, because her interest is inconsistent.

And when you're more interested, more available, more attuned, that inconsistency feels like a hook.

When something hurts, it feels like it was meant to hurt.

But those are not the same thing.

Do I wish people were more direct about their ambivalence?

As a certified neurospicy person who has strong feelings about honest communication, yes, deeply, with my whole chest.

And I also know that many flavors of neurospicy include not easily recognizing your own feelings, let alone articulating them.

And even neurocommon folk sometimes don't know what they feel, or don't stop to consider how their inconsistency lands while they're just trying to get through the week with some joy intact.

Which brings me to why I am so passionate about boundaries.

Boundaries are not for managing manipulators.

They're for protecting yourself from the hook, from the hurt, from the people who aren't a fit for you, whether they're master schemers or just regular humans who are figuring it out.

You don't need to assign malice to protect yourself.

You just need to know what you need, and act accordingly.

If the inconsistency doesn't work for you, say so or step back.

That's a boundary.

That's the whole thing.

If you're not sure how to do that, or you're tired of feeling like the victim in a dating war you didn't sign up for, let's talk.

My free 15-minute Big Ask consultation is a real conversation, no sales pitch, just clarity on what's actually going on and what you can do about it.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. What's your take? Do you think breadcrumbing is usually intentional, or more often just ambivalence in action?

Hit reply. I genuinely want to know where you land on this one.