June 2: I begged for sex. (Yes, really.)

I begged for sex.

I'm just going to let that sit there for a second.

Not just hinted.

Not just brought it up again.

Not just tried to set the mood.

Begged.

On repeat.

For years.

And here's what you need to know about that version of me: I was gorgeous.

Not pretty.

Not cute.

Not "beautiful on the inside."

Drop-dead, stop-traffic, actually gorgeous.

And I had absolutely no idea, because the relationship I'd been in since I was 19 had done a number on me. I genuinely believed I had no better options.

That this was it.

That the only way to feel wanted was to ask for it over and over, hoping the answer would change.

I.

HAVE.

BEEN.

THERE.

Maybe you relate. Maybe you don't. I hope you don't.

But here's what I eventually figured out, after I finally left and started putting myself back together:

Begging for sex is saying, "I want you to have sex with me more than I want you to want to have sex with me."

Read that again. Slowly.

Yes, of course I wanted him to want me.

But what I was actually doing was trying to get the act so I could feel like the desire was there, without ever really reckoning with the fact that it wasn't.

I wasn't thinking about what he wanted, or why he didn't want it, or what any of that meant.

I just wanted the thing that would let me keep pretending everything was fine.

That's what sex-pesting is.

That's what whining and begging are, at their core.

The goal isn't genuine desire from the other person.

The goal is compliance that feels like desire.

And those are very, very different things.

If you've been on either side of this, I'd love to talk with you.

Not to fix you.

Just to think it through together, and figure out what you actually want and what's actually possible.

That's what my Big Ask consultation is for.

It's free, it's 15 minutes, and it might be the most honest conversation you have about your relationship all year.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

--
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. My marriage was deeply abusive, and there's a lot of context and complexity I'm not unpacking here because I'm making one specific point. If you read this and felt the weight of something bigger, please know that I see you, and there is help beyond a 15-minute consult.

P.P.S. Have you been on either side of this? The one begging, or the one being begged? I read every reply, and this is exactly the kind of thing I want to hear from you about.

Hit reply and tell me what comes up for you.