May 5th: Fantasy vs. The Real Thing

Back in 2017, Selene and I had a conversation that inspired a writing.

I’m revisiting that today.

We were talking about dominance and submission, and the gap between what people think it looks like and what actually makes it work.

What actually makes someone worthy of it.

She said, “I prefer my kink inspired, not enforced.”

Here's what we were pushing back against: the idea that dominance is about force, and submission is about weakness.

That a dominant earns their place by overpowering someone—physically, psychologically, sexually.

That a submissive gives in because they couldn't help it, because they were swept away, because they were conquered.

Romance novels sell this.

The manosnore teaches it as a seduction strategy.

And the kink world, quite frankly, isn't immune to it either.

It's a fantasy. A fun one, sometimes.

I'll wrestle. I'll even lose and get "overtaken" on occasion.

That's genuinely enjoyable. But I’m not submissive. (At all.)

And it is not how a D/s relationship is built, and it is absolutely not how trust is earned.

Fear isn't a foundation. Even fantasy fear.

The tropes make dominance and submission a battle. Victor and vanquished, strong and weak…instead of what it actually is:

Two people choosing each other, on purpose, with full awareness.

Submission should be given clear-eyed.

Sober.

Not whipped up into a frenzy, not coaxed out with orgasm denial, not extracted through overwhelm.

It should come from someone who has thought it through and arrived at a genuine "yes."

Not yes because I couldn't say no, but yes because I genuinely cannot imagine anything better.

And dominance?

It isn't about the size of your strap-on or your ability to crush someone's resistance.

It's about being someone worth serving.

Someone who inspires devotion, not just compliance.

Serving often means getting up early for boring stuff, not just staying up late for the fun hurty things.

It means doing things because it puts a smile on their face, not because you need to perform submission to deny that you wanted those twisted little perversions in the first place.

(We see you. It's fine. Own it.)

Submit because you believe they make your life better than it has ever been before.

Not because they scared you the most, or beat you the hardest, or wore the best leather.

That's play.

If you're navigating the difference between what you've been told relationships (kinky or otherwise) should look like and what you actually want them to be, I'd love to talk.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask with me:

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. This one's personal for me, and I know it'll land differently for different people.

Whether you're kinky, vanilla, dominant, submissive, or just trying to figure out what the hell you actually want from a relationship…hit reply.

Tell me where you land on this. I genuinely want to know.