April 29: The question nobody's asking about cheating.

My feed this week has been drowning in cheating content.

- Megan Thee Stallion.

- Men explaining to women why men cheat (UGH).

- Women talking about rotational dating while men lose their minds about it.

- People of every gender asking: what even is cheating?

All good topics.

But there’s a question that doesn’t often get asked:

What actually is monogamy?

Stick with me here.

In a zoological sense, monogamy means one partner for love, pair-bonding, and sex for life.

In a social and legal sense, most of us practice serial monogamy: exclusive relationships one at a time, but multiple across a lifetime.

That's a pretty wide gap already.

But psychologically? That's where things get interesting.

A truly monogamous person is one or both of these:

1. Unable to romantically love, pair-bond, or sexually desire more than one person at a time.

2. Choosing to love, pair-bond, and have sex with only one person at a time.

And this is where things get a bit wonk-a-doo.

Because there are A LOT of people out there who want the benefits of #2, but are not at all #1. And we've (mostly) been socialized to believe that all humans—all good humans—are both.

Here's my hot take:

Most of us are wired to be capable of wanting more than one person. About 25% of people (rough estimate—it's genuinely hard to study honestly) actually manage #2 consistently.

The rest?

Here comes the cheating discourse.

Which brings me back to Megan.

She knows Klay cheated. She is rightfully pissed.

But when she says, "Now you don't know if you can be monogamous????"

Megan, baby. He was never #1, and he clearly isn't #2 either.

You knew. After the first time, you knew.

I am not blaming her.

This is exactly where the cultural narrative around monogamy does real harm.

We meet someone who seems like a good person, assume they're at least a committed #2, and then keep assuming it, even through repeated evidence to the contrary.

Because admitting otherwise feels like admitting something's wrong with them.

Or us.

(When people cheat, there IS something wrong with their ethics, obviously.)

What if we just... changed the other assumption, though?

I'm not saying everyone should be nonmonogamous. What I'm saying is that pretending everyone is naturally monogamous is creating a lot of unnecessary wreckage.

So. Real talk.

Are you a #1? Truly, honestly?

Are you a #2?

For most of my life, I’ve been #1, and a committed #2. Never cheated, ever, despite so many accusations from jealous partners.

I’d rather leave than lie and sneak around.

Until my current relationship, where we are both openly nonmonogamous together.

What has the cultural story about monogamy cost you? In relationships, in shame, in missed conversations you should've had years ago?

Or do you think I'm completely full of it?

That conversation is also welcome.

If this stirred something up and you want to actually talk through what it means for your relationships, book a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation with me.

We'll dig into where you are, what you actually want, and what kind of structure might work for you…not just the one you were handed.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Hit reply and tell me: #1, #2, neither, or somewhere gloriously in between all of them.

I genuinely want to know where you land. And yes, I read every single one.