April 24: It's not your fault. (And I'll die on this hill.)

CW: Abuse

Almost every time I tell people that "It's not your fault that you attract the wrong-fit people for you," or "Abuse is never the victim's fault, it's always the fault of the abuser," I get pushback.

"They should pick better!"

"If it keeps happening, then it's something they are doing."

UGH, no.

You know who often attracts the wrong sort? Horrible people, abusers?

Children.

Are they at fault?

No. Of course not.

It is up to those of us who have learned how to protect to help protect them.

Not everyone can.

But if enough of us do, we'll have something like herd immunity.

Yes, unfortunately as a society we still too-often fail at this.

But many people try. Some devote their entire lives to catching the baddies.

Some can't protect others because they are still struggling with their own attraction and their own boundaries.

They can't even protect themselves.

(And some don't protect themselves, but do everything they can to protect others.)

Those people deserve herd immunity, too.

They deserve help.

They deserve compassion.

They deserve not to be blamed when bad people, who will often be bad on any available target, harm them.

They deserve the chance to grow, and change, and learn how to protect themselves.

Don't they?

Honestly, if your answer to that is "No" or "But…" just go away. I've already blocked some of you. Happy to do more.

And it's wild to me how many people who say a victim is at fault for their own abuse are also the first to blame everyone else (the other gender, their parents, their bosses, the world) for their own lack of success, connection, or healing.

Funny how that works.

If you're someone who's been told it was your fault, who has been blamed for what was done to you, and you're ready to finally untangle that, let's talk.

A free 15-minute Big Ask consultation is a good place to start.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. This is a topic that gets people fired up, on all sides. I'd love to know: have you ever been on the receiving end of that blame? Or have you ever caught yourself thinking it, even a little? (I know I have.)

Hit reply. I read everything.