April 14: The difference between a boundary, a rule, and an ultimatum

After yesterday’s answer, someone asked me:

"What's your take on the difference between an ultimatum, a boundary, and a rule?"

And today, I opened my calendar to see an evening workshop I'd scheduled (not happening rn) called "Nonmonogamy Workshop: Rules VS Agreements VS Boundaries."

The universe has jokes.

So. Let's do this.

I talked about boundaries versus ultimatums yesterday, but to get to rules, we have to really nail down what a boundary actually is.

From my book, Take No Sh*t! Build Better Relationships Through Discovering, Creating, and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries (which you can currently get for free — just send me your email and I'll send you the download link):

Boundaries are about what you can control about yourself.

Your own actions and reactions.

Full stop.

They're not about telling other people what they can or can't do. The moment you try to control someone else's behavior, you've left boundary territory entirely.

Here's a classic example. "I will not allow people in my life to make me feel 'less than'" is a value.

But if that comes out as "You can't talk to me like that!"—well, obviously they can.

So either that's a lie, or it's an attempt to control them.

Neither is a boundary.

The boundary version?

"Hey, I'm not feeling great about the way this conversation is going. I'm heading home."

That's about you.

What you feel.

What you'll do next.

That's the whole game.

It's very easy to accidentally turn a boundary into a rule, a demand that someone else do something (or stop doing something) to accommodate you.

Rules aren't inherently wrong.

In collaborative relationships, they can work great. But they require actual collaboration, not just one person handing the other a list.

So here's the cheat sheet:

Boundary: My actions and values. What I will do.

Rule: Your actions, my values. What you must do.

Ultimatum: My values, your choice. What happens next is up to you.

If you've ever wondered whether you're actually setting boundaries or just... hoping someone will do what you want, that's worth exploring.

Book a free 15-minute Big Ask with me and let's figure out where the lines are for you:

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

In other news: my partner's mother passed recently.

At the end of the week we're traveling to help wrap things up. When I get back, I host my first party of the season on the 24th, some recovery, and then…some changes I'm excited about, even if I can't tell you what they are yet.

smiles

More soon.

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. I'm curious: Which of these three do you reach for most often when something bothers you in a relationship? Boundary, rule, or ultimatum?

No judgment. Hit reply and tell me. I genuinely want to know.