March 31: Are they a monster? Or are they a Death's Cap?

In my book, “Fight Less, Love More, I talk about a mushroom called the Death's Cap.

Deadly to humans.

Will kill you quickly, or cause lingering damage over months, quietly eating away at your organs, creating lesions, leading to kidney failure. And it looks completely harmless.

Adorable, even, as far as mushrooms go.

See?

Here's the thing: In its own ecosystem, in the forests where it belongs, it's not harmful at all. It's actually beneficial.

Not unlike many people who might be toxic to you.

We throw around "toxic" a lot.

Toxic ex.

Toxic friend.

Toxic family.

And sometimes, yeah, we're talking about someone genuinely cruel or calculating. But most of the time? We're not.

Most people you meet in your life are not intentionally mean, malevolent, or out to get you.

That doesn't mean they don't cause harm. It doesn't mean they're not toxic to you.

And just because they are toxic to you doesn't mean they're a bad person.

Or that they didn't love you.

Or that they're a narcissist, a psychopath, or an abuser.

Let me say this for the record:

Most people are toxic not because of who THEY are, but because of who WE ARE.

Some people are toxic to you because in order to love them, like them, or work with them, you have to change who you are.

You have to soften your boundaries.

Give up what makes you happy to align with how they exist in the world.

And some people are toxic because your love, and their desire for it, forces them to do the same thing.

To give up pieces of what makes them who they are just to stay close to you.

When people do that, for love or friendship or even for a job, they lose part of their spark.

We feel out of control, so we try to control others.

We feel insecure, so we puff ourselves up.

We feel unheard, so we get louder.

We feel hurt, so we shut down.

Toxic behavior is a warning sign.

But it's a warning sign for you. It's not a verdict on who they are as a human.

It's an invitation to take a hard look at your life and ask yourself honestly: Can I be 100% totally me with this person? Are my boundaries safe? Am I better off when I spend time with them?

If the answer is no, it doesn't matter whether they love you deeply or they couldn't care less.

What matters isn't whether they'd thrive somewhere else, with someone else.

What matters is whether they are toxic to you.

That's it.

That's the whole lesson.

Speaking of which... I'm giving away my book Take No Sh*t! Build Better Relationships Through Discovering, Creating and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries for free.

Just reply with "Gimme TNS" and on April 3, when my exclusive agreement with Amazon ends, I'll send it straight to your inbox.

No strings, no catch.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. I'm curious: have you ever had to walk away from someone who genuinely loved you, not because they were a bad person, but because being with them required you to be someone you weren't?

Hit reply. I want to hear about it.

P.P.S. Do you prefer to buy a copy of Take No Sh*t! Build Better Relationships Through Discovering, Creating and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries and support the free stuff I share? Or purchase it to add a verified review? That’s awesome!

It's on Amazon Kindle and Kindle Unlimited! Search the title or grab it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CGSZ78NL