March 17: You don't have to be healed to date. But there's a catch.

A new client shared something with me recently that I haven't been able to stop thinking about.

They are dating actively and intentionally, while openly carrying emotional scars from a painful betrayal.

Before agreeing to meet anyone in person, They tell them where they’re at.

The impact.

The slower pace.

They give them a real choice: stay or go.

And they told me that the internet has opinions about this.

(No surprise.)

Specifically: that they shouldn't be dating at all until they’re "fully healed."

Here's my hot take:

“Fully healed" is a myth.

You don't heal in a vacuum. You heal in relation/reaction/response to stuff:

• To feedback

• To conflict

• To connection

• And yes, to other people

You can't stress-test your healing until you're actually in situations that test it.

That said, I want to push back on something here, gently but firmly.

When you lead with your wounds as a disclaimer, what you're really doing is warning someone that you might need more than the average amount of grace—and asking them to consent to that upfront.

I get it.

It feels honest.

Courageous, even.

But if you're being upfront about your wounds because you already know, on some level, that you're going to need extra grace…that's less about informed consent and more about protecting yourself from guilt later.

After all, they agreed to it!

"Healed enough" to me looks like this:

• You're willing to take things as they come, without flagging every scar before the first drink arrives.

• You don't blame your ex or your diagnoses when you react in ways that hurt people.

• You don't expect others to make allowances. You make repairs. You mess up (everyone does), you own it, you address it, you apologize, you do better.

It's not about perfection.

It's just... being a decent human in a relationship.

Healed or not.

The sweet spot—and this is what I work on with my clients—is somewhere between "I am uniquely traumatized and people need to know" and "I'm fine, nothing to see here."

It's:

“I am a whole, imperfect person. I'm paying attention. And I'm taking it one step at a time.”

That's dateable.

That's actually pretty damn lovable.

If you're wondering where you fall on that spectrum and whether you're ready to date in a way that's fair to both you and the people you're meeting, that's exactly what a free 15-minute Big Ask consultation is for.

Let's figure out where you're at, together.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. This one's got me curious about you. Do you think you have to be "healed enough" before you date? And if so, what does that even mean to you?

Hit reply. I genuinely want to know.