March 6: About that thing you haven't said out loud yet…

Someone sent me an anonymous question this morning:

"How common is it that otherwise heterosexual people who lack sex begin looking at homosexual partners?"

And I wrote out a whole answer. So today's message is basically a repurpose.

Efficiency is one of my love languages, LOL!

Here's what I said:

"Otherwise heterosexual" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

Orientation is way more complex than most people realize, and I could talk about this all day long.

When most people say "I'm heterosexual," they're usually describing aesthetic attraction—I find the opposite gender attractive, therefore: label.

But there's also romantic attraction (who you fall for), and sexual attraction (how your body responds to another body, real or imagined).

These three don't always point in the same direction.

Which is exactly why terms like biromantic and panromantic exist. Your heart and your body sometimes read completely different maps.

So if I had to define "otherwise heterosexual" here, I'd say: someone who has—so far in their life—been aesthetically, romantically, and sexually drawn to one gender that isn't theirs. But has considered something outside that.

And boom. There's your complexity. Whee!

Here's the question rephrased, honestly:

How common is it that people who lack sex start exploring outside their usual sexual preferences?

Pretty freaking common.

Whether it's gender, "type," energy, or whatever box you've been operating in.

Sexuality shifts. It grows, contracts, surprises you at 2am when you least expect it. It is not nearly as set in stone as people like to think.

I know this firsthand—I was more lesbian than anything for years, then became deeply heteronormative for decades, barely a flicker elsewhere.

Now I'm way more pan-oriented, with what I can only call a deeply vibesexual orientation that doesn't follow a predictable pattern.

Still overwhelmingly drawn to what most people would call masculine energy—but that's a whole ‘nother essay.

The real question, though?

Were you asking how common it is—or were you trying to figure out how much shame you should feel about something you've been imagining?

Because if it's shame: zero. Feel zero.

Wanting to explore your attractions in as many directions as they pull you is not something to pathologize. It's something to get curious about.

And curiosity is exactly what I'm here for.

Curious about what your attractions are actually telling you?

Let's talk about it.

Fifteen minutes free, zero agenda.

https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask

Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)

P.S. Has your sense of attraction ever surprised you? Shifted in a direction you weren't expecting?

Hit reply. I read every single one, and this is exactly the conversation I want to be having.