March 5: What happens when the spark dies…
Someone slid into my inbox with a question that really peeved my pet.
"Should I choose chemistry, then, over compatibility?"
I get why they asked. I talked yesterday about chemistry. About how good-on-paper isn't enough, about how you shouldn't settle for a relationship that feels like a very pleasant business meeting.
So I understand the logical leap.
But here's the thing: that question should never exist.
The fact that it does tells us something pretty uncomfortable about how broken our dating culture has become that people genuinely believe they have to choose.
The answer is chemistry AND compatibility. Always. Full stop.
Now, I know "because you deserve it" doesn't land for everyone. Deep down, a lot of people don't really believe that, not where it counts. So let's skip the affirmations and get into the actual mechanics.
Compatibility = long-term potential. Shared values, shared lifestyle, shared "what do we even want from life." Like finds like. Open-minded finds open-minded, religious kooks also find their people. That's not random. That's selection working exactly as intended.
Chemistry, however,is the emotional and physiological connection. The feedback loop that, when it's firing, makes you just keep making each other feel better. And better. And better.
Dr. Suess said, “We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
He’s not wrong, from my perspective.
Here's what each one looks like without the other:
High compatibility, low chemistry = a comfortable, stable, deeply boring series of dinners with someone you like, even love, but never really want.
High chemistry, low compatibility = a rollercoaster of irrational decisions, emotional immolation, and love/hate cycles at the speed of a dumpster fire.
Neither is the goal.
But here's the part people often miss: chemistry fluctuates.
It moves like a sine wave: up, down, up, down.
And your compatibility? That's the baseline. The shared values, the mutual history, the consistent love and connection. That's what keeps you anchored when life gets heavy and the spark temporarily takes a vacation.
You need both.
Not just because you deserve a fairytale.
Because healthy romantic relationships require both to actually function. (And yes — if physical/sexual chemistry just isn't part of your wiring, that's completely valid. You deserve intellectual/emotional chemistry with your people too.)
But if you do want the passion, the heat, the thing?
Go get it.
Just make sure it comes with a heaping helping of compatibility on the side.
If you've been settling for compatible-but-flat, or riding the chemistry-but-chaos train and wondering why it keeps crashing…
I can help you figure out what you actually need and how to find it.
Let's talk. Book a free 15-minute Big Ask call.
https://my.curiouser.life/15-minutes-big-ask
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. I'm genuinely curious…have you ever been in a relationship where one of these was missing? Which one, and what did it cost you?
Hit reply. I read everything.