February 13: Why you keep repeating that fight…
A man asked me recently:
“If she’s repeating herself and not getting to the point, is it okay to say, ‘That totally makes sense. So… what’s the bottom line?’”
And I love this question.
Because the real question isn’t “can I say this?”
It’s this:
What do you actually want out of the conversation?
If you want it to end?
Sure. That line might do it.
It has the polished tone of emotional intelligence…with just enough impatience underneath to let her know you’re done.
Efficient.
Clean.
Slightly boardroom vibes.
She may quit talking out of sheer frustration or even intimidation. Which could absolutely cost you. She’ll leave the conversation ready for repeat at another time.
Or worse, she’ll never have that conversation with you ever again…which does not mean she’ll stop feeling that way.
If you’re trying to speed her up?
That’s going to be ineffective with about 90% of partners of any gender.
(Although sometimes this will work with the neurospicy. That’s something to negotiate BEFORE you fight, and to say, “Is there a summary of how you feel and what I can do about it that you can give me?”).
Because, when someone is expressing feelings, they are not delivering a quarterly earnings report. They are trying to feel understood.
And rushing that process doesn’t make you decisive.
It makes you unavailable and uninterested.
Now… I know some corners of the internet teach that you should “control the frame.”
Lead harder. Interrupt if necessary. Never let a woman “ramble.”
Cool, if what you want is dominance points.
But if what you want is fewer repeat fights? To actually enjoy peace and happiness?
That’s a different game.
Because when someone repeats themselves, it usually means one thing:
They don’t feel heard yet.
So if your goal is to actually resolve it—not just end it—here’s the fastest route:
Listen.
Explain what you’re hearing in your own words.
Ask, “Is that right?”
Listen again.
Ask, “Is there more?”
That’s it.
No Jedi mind tricks.
No battles for dominance.
No conversational chokeholds.
No reframing.
Just visible effort.
The FASTEST way to end fights is to actively love, appreciate, and show effort to understand your partner.
Every time.
And when you do this consistently?
Conflicts rarely become fights. Fights rarely spiral. And they almost never become reruns.
Every choice takes effort.
The effort to shut it down. Or the effort to understand.
Which effort leads to the life you actually want?
You could keep trying to win arguments.
Or…
You could learn how to stop having so many of them.
If that sounds better, my book Fight Less, Love More: Simple Steps to Transform Tension into Togetherness is on Amazon (Kindle + Kindle Unlimited).
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWS67CCH
It’s not about being softer. Or becoming a doormat.
It’s about loving smarter.
And it works.
Rev Heather, aka Nookie, LUQ
https://my.curiouser.life
+1-855-712-5433 (toll-free)
P.S. Have you ever used a “bottom line” move in an argument? Did it actually solve anything… or just postpone the sequel?
Hit reply. I’m genuinely curious.